Played ;

HI GUYS .
blogging for awhile to destress just like Kian said i should .
so ..
i'm not sure what put me in my current mood .

kinda feel the need for attention .
LOL .
I'M SORRY I'M ATTENTION SEEKING .
well at least i'm telling you that's what i need .
to be a little happier .
cos everyone seems to have people around them .
and the people i have around me sometimes have other people to care for .
and .

yeah i feel neglected .
if you didn't already know, my parents give more attention to my well-scoring sister and she's also more in need of attention .
like .
gurl if you leave her alone for awhile you'd come back to a mess .
LOL .
MY SIS IS JUST LIKE THAT .
(but i still love her ok . and i will kick the bastards who make her cry . don't say i never warned those guys who are gonna hit on her)

moving onnnnnnnnnn .

today i kinda feel like talking about my insecurities .
like .
i'm not sure why .
most of you who have been following my blog for a really long time (or knew me long enough to know) , knows that i haven't had the best luck with people .
been through a whole lot in secondary school especially (not just my relationshits - no i didn't do a typo there- ok)
i've known people of all sorts through work and like . my walk of life la .
i've seen those who stick with you only through your glory, those who just make use of you, those who come in, dig your secrets, leave . and they leave you exposed .
i'm not sure how nice the people i know are .
i'm kinda suspecting of everyone and i put on a really strong front to everyone .
including my family and most of my friends now .
few know how i really am .
because even i forgot how i am .
been strong for too long, sometimes when i feel weak i don't know what i am feeling .
legit .

and because i hate to lose (yes i'm a sore loser . but only to myself) , it makes it harder to accept what i'm feeling .
i hate being weak .
don't get me wrong i'm not a feminist or anything.
i accept that guys are physically superior than girls .
but i just don't believe i can't outdo myself .
and prove someone wrong .
(ok fine i admit that it's because i'm tiny and people look down on me too often)

but it's more like .
i'd hate if i showed someone my weak side and they decide that they're worth better and they just leave .
that just sucks .
like .
they just decide that you're not enough .
and that you suck .
and that you are weak .
and that they don't want to be friends with you anymore .
and that they can't accept you .
it feels horrible .

i feel like i've known alot of people like that .
considering the number of friends i left Anderson with, i truly suspect myself .
nope, i never once doubted others .
i only feel that , maybe i'm really not good enough .
do you know how it feels like to be the one who hates yourself the most ?
because that's how i feel all the time .
and just when i'm about to forget that feeling , it sneaks back into my mind and heart .
at 3am in the morning .
when i just wake up with a heavy heart and can't get back to sleep and the bad memories just gush back into my brain and i slowly raise my guards a little higher .

because i'm actually really not what i seem like .
and i wonder if the people who know me now , worse still, likes me , will ever get to see such a side of me .
i'm not sure if they'd still like me after that .

i've never been enough for anyone and i'm really starting to wonder if i ever will be .
even if i continue to build up more skills and results, will that make someone like me for who i am ?

i'm not as aloof about others' feelings and mine . i'm not as strong as i seem .
i break down and get depressed and stressed as much as i smile .
i laugh way more than i should .
i smile and act like i don't care too much .
i listen to songs that dampen your mood but they relate to me .
i hear the words people don't say .
and i hear those bad things my mum says to others about me .
i also laugh off too many things that creep up to my mind at night and haunt me .
i hide how scared i am .
i walk alone and sing and laugh and talk to myself like i have friends .

but maybe i just haven't found someone who's willing to accept me for who i am .

maybe .

if there is even someone like that out there .

Joy