Lovers' Rock ;

 

Lately i've been reflecting.

Not in the way that i usually do when there are bad things going on in my life.

Just kind of in a creative slump.

My hands are itching to create something - write, draw, colour. Create.

And i have been trying to do it in the ways most accessible to me - writing. 

But the feeling doesn't go away. 

Not yet. 

So i'm here to try again.

Something, somewhere has to be the solution right?

But lately i've been reflecting.

I looked back on the people i followed on Instagram - cleared out some of the people who are no longer relevant in my life.

I looked back on my playlist - the different songs that followed me through different phases of my life. 

I looked back on my story - the different times and emotions across the days i wondered would ever pass.

And i'm kind of appalled. Shocked. Surprised.

That all of the most pivotal events happened across maybe a span of 5 years.

I guess what they said was true.

Life TRULY starts when you head out to work in the society.

I started working when i was 22.

Had so much fiest and fire in me when i started out - great ambitions to change the workplace, the people, myself, everything.

Had so much energy - doing so many things all at once without feeling tired.

The last 5 years of work has been eye-opening.

Not just to society, people, but also to myself.

I have learned so many things about myself that i didn't think was possible or necessary to learn.

I thought i knew what i believed in, and what was right.

But times have taught me not everything is as it seems.

And that was the also, not always right.

Life is confusing, i'm confusing. 

But it has been such a pleasure figuring it out.

Lately i've been thinking.

I've been thinking about what has happened and what is yet to be.

There was a time where my friends and i were just idiots laughing in a field together as we did the extra rounds we were asked to run because we pissed our coach off. 

There was a time where the greatest luxury was to be able to go home late after training and have supper with my friends.

There was also a time where i have nothing else to worry about.

Do i miss those days?

Hmm.... yes and no?

Now my friends and i are still idiots, figuring out how this society works together as we piss off our bosses occasionally and are settling down in our own lives.

Now my greatest luxury is to be able to come to a home that i've always dreamed of.

And perhaps i have things to worry about now, but what a privilege, to be able to worry about so many things because they mean so much.

Lately i've been thinking.

About how the person 5 years ago is now so far away.

At 22, i thought i was finally more self-assured, and was so going to be a hustle person who proved everyone wrong along the way.

And yet, at 27, i can't be bothered about impressing others with what i'm doing, as long as i'm happy. And perhaps, this is the greatest self-assurance i could have given to myself.

I stopped trying to explain myself.

Neither am i going to continue trying to please everyone. 

Because at the end of the day, i don't owe anyone happiness, and neither do they owe me.

We're all responsible for our own emotions, and i am content where i am.

Lately i've been anticipating.

There has been so many changes.

I've lost people along the way.

I've gained connections too.

Perhaps there was a time i mourned and regretted my losses.

But maybe it's better off this way.

Maybe we're all happier apart.

Maybe this is the bigger plan - for us to grow independently now and not together.

There has been so much growth.

I'm finally able to look myself in the mirror and be content with what i see.

Not in the way that i finally got the dream body i wanted, or the flawless skin i dreamed of.

Just, in the way that i think of the person in the mirror as someone who went through alot to still be here today, and to be happy, i think i am grateful.

I am thankful, that i can still look at the person in the mirror today and be happy.

There has been so much to think, to wonder, to create, and to learn.

And i'm so excited for it.

Remember those days i dreaded waking up?

Remember when i was crying every other day? 

Remember when i didn't even want to go home, or leave home? 

Remember when i used to always look down on the floor wherever i went? 

It's been a great journey.

There are times where i am ashamed. Embarrassed. Excited. Happy. Anxious. Scared. Angry. Sad. Heartbroken. Nervous. Loud. 

And yet, today i feel, just fine.

I can feel all of the emotions i once hated or disliked. 

And yet, i am just, fine.

Lately i've been reflecting.

Life's been so crazy over the last few years. I don't know how i made it through.

It might not be over and it could get crazier, but i've never been more excited.

Lately, life has been so kind.

May it be kind to you too.

Better days are ahead.

And if the days aren't better, don't worry. 

You're not alone.

It's such a privilege to not be alone, and i'm so grateful you're here.

Thank you.

Till we meet again,

Joy