Maybe It's The Night ;

Credits: Witchoria (her work is so darn good y'all need to see it to believe it!!)

Anyhow, this 2 weeks have been taking a toll on my body.

I haven't been sleeping well and i'm absolutely sleep deprived and i look like trash.

LOL.

My eyes don't usually get bloodshot but yea.

They sure as hell are now.

HAHAH.

I'm not up all night thinking like i usually do, i just space out into blank space.

On days where i want to stay up late to do work, my body rejects it and just wants to go to sleep HAHA.

IT'S A MESS Y'ALL.

I'm officially messing my body up LOL.

In any case, no.

I haven't been crying at night.

Not in the day either.

I didn't sob or tear up walking by places we used to go to.

I didn't hate the voice inside my head telling me i got to know of some areas of Singapore because of this person.

I don't.

In fact, i sometimes look to going back to these places just to try relive some of the happier times and let things go better.

Until today though, i don't have enough courage to face people in the face and tell them they hurt me so bad.

:')

It's an ultimate weakness.

I think i mentioned it quite a few times, but i really wish to be more selfish.

Not that i'm selfless.

It's just.

I wish i could fight for myself more and not depend on people around me to protect me and make sure i'll never go home black and blue or tormented with emotions i didn't have to feel.

I wish i was stronger.

I want to be okay.

Tonight i'm looking at my desk filled a whole bunch of reminders that i can't put my mind to clear (i haven't been sleeping in my room for some days now, i sometimes fall asleep  at the desk or sofa because of how badly sleep deprived i am)

I sometimes have the urge to talk to people or squish people to their bones.

Or have someone crush me in a hug just to feel like my pieces can come back together yknow.

HAHAHAH.

I honestly don't know how i'm feeling today.

I can't tell.

I don't know if this is some sort of self-protection mechanism i've put up for myself or if i'm really okay with the status quo.

But i don't feel okay sometimes in the form of sleepless nights and restlessness.

The constant need for attention.

It's almost as if i don't live in my body sometimes. 

I reflect on my experiences and yet i don't know what i'm experiencing.

There are no words to describe it yknow.

I don't feel empty. 

I'm not.

But at the same time i feel too free. 

There's just suddenly so much space and it scares me.

I know the world out there is a crazy place, and it's so vast i could probably never finish exploring every nook and cranny of it.

But it's also sometimes scary to look upon this by myself.

Kinda intimidating.

Kinda scary.

Kinda rather hide in my room.

I'm not sad.

I'm not angry.

I'm pretty happy all the time.

But also, hate when i'm too alone sometimes.

Not used to it.

People are kinda just anywhere and everywhere but i feel like talking about these to people who don't experience it just doesn't make sense (and it probably never will).

I just kinda wanna feel better and move on from here without needing a replacement.

No.

I don't want to push others atop my chart simply because another is gone.

I want them to truly feel important.

It's part of my 2019 goals anyway.

I hope i become an important part of people's lives because they genuinely love me for the person that i am and not because they needed someone like me to feel better about themselves yknow.

HAHA.

I want to just be okay.

No need for extreme happiness or lucky strikes.

But even simply being better than yesterday is good enough.

And that's what i'm working for.

And no.

I'm definitely not tearing up tonight.

I'll be okay huhuhu.

Because i'm Joy and Joy can't ever be sad y'all.

That goes against all rules and forces of nature. :p

I'm excited for the sun to rise again tomorrow.

Another day, another opportunity to make things right.

Credit: Witchoria

Joy