Kisses That Burn ;
hello people !
it has been 2 days since i last blogged about my stupidity and my boring life .
argh there isn't alot to talk about lately and i don't have any deep topics that i can share with y'all ermahgawd .
but i have a fear that i really want to get over .
if you have any ideas , please tell me omg .
sooooo .
i believe most of you know my fear of presentations in front of a large group of people .
if you don't , well now you know .
it didn't use to be this bad when i was in secondary school .
i could talk easily , and convey myself in formal language with no "shit" , "crap" and "f**k" .
but ever since i got more self-conscientious , i have lost all my confidence to present myself in front of a big crowd .
even though i know that most of my presentations will be done among my class , and rarely will i have to do it alone , but i really cannot stop panicking once everyone's eyes are on me .
it's like , i suddenly feel like i did something wrong , and that's why everyone is looking at a person like me .
or maybe , while their attention is on me , they are going to see the very flaws that i have tried to hide so badly , and hate me for it .
i could deal with haters , no problem .
but the truth is that , why would i want to have them around if i can have none of them at all ?
it's not like it's a good thing . :p
but really . i even considered joining the toastmasters' club at one point in time , just so i can learn from the people who present the best .
seriously though , there is so many things i need to improve myself on , and my self-esteem issues is something i've been trying very hard to solve (to no avail but i'm still trying okay) .
honestly , no one ever convicted me of the flaws that i have claimed to be the worst part of me (a.k.a. almost every part of me) .
but the constant putting down of me by my family and the jokes that my friends play ..
some just never leave my mind .
i replay what they say over and over again in my mind , even though i know i shouldn't be bothered with it .
it keeps coming back to haunt me .
argh .
when will it go away . seriously .
truthfully , this whole thing bothers me alot , but i can't seem to solve it .
i'm at my wit's end . (if i had even wit, that is.) .
so frustrated with myself .
:c
thankfully , my classmates and lecturers are such understanding souls and they patiently encourage and guide me through .
hi T05 , i am so blessed to have you guys as my classmates . i am so sorry for being the burden i am , hyperventilating and crying during presentations and all .
special thanks to Kurt , who is always down for me even at my worst .
thanks babe .
you have no idea how your simple gestures and words bring me courage to move on .
i will try my absolute best for y'all .
but anyway !!!
i'm finally going back to the hospital for my final check up of my finger yay .
hopefully my physiotherapist will say that my finger is recovering well and i don't have to go back to them ever again LOL .
I WILL TRY TO BE MORE CAREFUL I PROMISE .
and my grading is on Sunday .
i'm so excited for it . :D
i really hope i get double though .
then i'd just go to yellow belt , green tip .
skipping one grade would save three months of my life .
i would really appreciate that because i would hate if i died with regrets .
i would totally come back and haunt the judges LOL .
but on the bright side , it means i get to climb up the ladder slowly and take in ever scenery this journey is going to throw at me .
being really hopeful and positive lately .
(please don't let me down)
Snippets from a great day today .
Joy
it has been 2 days since i last blogged about my stupidity and my boring life .
argh there isn't alot to talk about lately and i don't have any deep topics that i can share with y'all ermahgawd .
but i have a fear that i really want to get over .
if you have any ideas , please tell me omg .
sooooo .
i believe most of you know my fear of presentations in front of a large group of people .
if you don't , well now you know .
it didn't use to be this bad when i was in secondary school .
i could talk easily , and convey myself in formal language with no "shit" , "crap" and "f**k" .
but ever since i got more self-conscientious , i have lost all my confidence to present myself in front of a big crowd .
even though i know that most of my presentations will be done among my class , and rarely will i have to do it alone , but i really cannot stop panicking once everyone's eyes are on me .
it's like , i suddenly feel like i did something wrong , and that's why everyone is looking at a person like me .
or maybe , while their attention is on me , they are going to see the very flaws that i have tried to hide so badly , and hate me for it .
i could deal with haters , no problem .
but the truth is that , why would i want to have them around if i can have none of them at all ?
it's not like it's a good thing . :p
but really . i even considered joining the toastmasters' club at one point in time , just so i can learn from the people who present the best .
seriously though , there is so many things i need to improve myself on , and my self-esteem issues is something i've been trying very hard to solve (to no avail but i'm still trying okay) .
honestly , no one ever convicted me of the flaws that i have claimed to be the worst part of me (a.k.a. almost every part of me) .
but the constant putting down of me by my family and the jokes that my friends play ..
some just never leave my mind .
i replay what they say over and over again in my mind , even though i know i shouldn't be bothered with it .
it keeps coming back to haunt me .
argh .
when will it go away . seriously .
truthfully , this whole thing bothers me alot , but i can't seem to solve it .
i'm at my wit's end . (if i had even wit, that is.) .
so frustrated with myself .
:c
thankfully , my classmates and lecturers are such understanding souls and they patiently encourage and guide me through .
hi T05 , i am so blessed to have you guys as my classmates . i am so sorry for being the burden i am , hyperventilating and crying during presentations and all .
special thanks to Kurt , who is always down for me even at my worst .
thanks babe .
you have no idea how your simple gestures and words bring me courage to move on .
i will try my absolute best for y'all .
but anyway !!!
i'm finally going back to the hospital for my final check up of my finger yay .
hopefully my physiotherapist will say that my finger is recovering well and i don't have to go back to them ever again LOL .
I WILL TRY TO BE MORE CAREFUL I PROMISE .
and my grading is on Sunday .
i'm so excited for it . :D
i really hope i get double though .
then i'd just go to yellow belt , green tip .
skipping one grade would save three months of my life .
i would really appreciate that because i would hate if i died with regrets .
i would totally come back and haunt the judges LOL .
but on the bright side , it means i get to climb up the ladder slowly and take in ever scenery this journey is going to throw at me .
being really hopeful and positive lately .
(please don't let me down)
Here's to more happy days to come !
Joy
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