Trouble kid ;

Goodafternoon ! 

I arrived early at work , but i just can't help but blog because i have nothing to do . 

I wasted almost two hours on someone which i could have ignored and slept through and saved myself some pain , but i didn't and it was still the same .

I don't know how it feels like to be anti-social , because truthfully no matter how shy i may seem or act , i have always been quite social . 

I admit there was a period of time where i struggled to make friends and speak normally to others , but even with that i find my way back to being social .

I have always relied on friends around me for support and i have always known him to be pretty anti social but i have never realised the seriousness of his situation . 

He has been so freaking anti social his whole life just because he hurt before in the past . 

I cannot say i know exactly how he feels but i have been there before . 

I know how it feels like to be betrayed , sold out , used and what not . 

I cannot say i am a strong person but i have crawled on all fours to find my way back to where i am now . 

I have bled thousands of times and hurt so many times but i kept my faith that i just haven't met the right group of people . 

I cannot say that i have NEVER lost my faith in the world becade i was once suicidal and i was just this close to sliding blades on my wrist , this close to ending my life . I forgot how to believe in people becauee of bad experiences with others and i was depressed on how alone i was in this world . 

I cannot say i was never like him , hoping to find the right one and just wait for everything to fall in place . 

Because on my birthday , i had the worst day ever and i wished to find the right one . I have never let one day pass without thinking in my head "i can't wait for when everything falls into place ."

But if one person could have solved all my problems , i would be happy and i would not be blogging this right now . 

If one person could take away my pain i would probably not be as strong . I would have stuck with that one person and i would be attached . 

I could already know that one person but my problems are not solved . 

You know what i mean ? 

Down to when you were born , you have all the pieces you need to complete your life , and you do not have to wait for someone to fill up the missing spot . 

Because you know where that piece is . 

You are in denial that you can solve this , by yourself , because by solving it , you are vulnerable to pain inflicted by others once again . 

You are not disabled and you are not born with missing pieces to you . 

You are a complete being . 

Sure , having a companion can mean a loving shelter when you need it , a source of support , and a temporary shield from your weariness and pain . 

But how long can that last ? 

For a fleeting moment or two it could . 

You could be totally happy where you are , but people all have problems . 

Which he/she is shielding you from your problems , you are shielding him/her from theirs . 

You both have problems in life , everyone does . 

And are you so confident of solving your problem and theirs in all ? 

Idk about you guys , but i can't . 

That's why i don't want to be in a relationship now . 

I am unable to solve my problems . 

I cannot rely on others around me forever . 

I can run away from them , no problem , but how long till i am tired once again? 

I admit i have my own walls around my heart . 

And i have not found myself within this narrow space , but i have found people who don't mind stepping into this dark place with me through exposing my weaknesses because only through that can i find those who truly care . 

He might not get it , but i'm saying my point of view . 

I am not wise and i have not been through alot , but this is how i think . 

I did not gain this knowledge from only experience , and maybe what he says could be right . 

It could be because i have found the "right one" and that's why my problems are solved . One by one . 

I must be honest , last night , when he was saying how the right one will solve your problem , i remembered how this one person can solve all my problems easily with just a sentence or two .

And this one person was also the exact same person who helped me regain my faith in people . 

It was only after this person that i could once again remain positive against all odds . 

I have no idea how life works to this day because i have lived less than a quarter of what i'd expect my life to last . 

And i have no idea how you think about life but i think of it this way . 

I could be wrong but at least for now this works out for me . 

Idk . 

And with this i am really thankful for that one person in my life . 

And i think he needs to be kept an open(?) secret . (I think most of you already know who he is)

Mwahs for you ~

Joy