Uncertain ;

Yesterday news broke that Aloysius Pang (Singaporean Actor) passed on from injuries that occurred during his training in New Zealand. 

Honestly, it's just kind of scary thinking how much pain this must have caused for his family, friends, and girlfriend.

Even as a pretty sensitive person, i think it's really hard to try and fathom how painful that must be to take in.

I can't even imagine myself in that scenario and it got me very afraid of how life might turn out.

Honestly, i guess i'm just being very selfish right now when i'm just hoping that this won't happen to me, and i think it's very cruel of me to say such things.

I don't know how to feel about it.

Life is just so precious and fragile, that i feel like i'm sometimes taking it for granted when it's given to me.

Today i'm living and breathing, living my boring life and complaining about it.

But what if one day it was taken away from me?

What about all the words i never got to say, and all the things i never got to do because i was too afraid?

It got me extremely scared that i'll lose people, and that i won't get to tell them everything i've always wanted to tell them.

I'm afraid that i'll one day regret everything i did to people - pushing them away, talking about them, gossiping, avoiding, judging, etc etc - and never get the opportunity to apologise to them.

What if i never had this chance to talk to them again and they never get to hear my thoughts again like i'd have wanted them to?

Worse still, what if i never got to listen to them explain themselves and give us a chance to work things out again?

I can't wrap my brain around the loss of people around me and that's scary in its own way, because that just means i'm not ready to lose anyone.

So i really mean it when i say i can't freaking imagine losing someone.

I don't know how i will take it mentally.

And that's what i imagine for the family of the actor.

I really can't imagine losing someone who meant so much, and watch everything unfold into a life crisis in a matter of days, or even hours.

It's just so fucking difficult and i really sense myself avoiding this topic, and trying to be sensitive about the entire thing.

For once i feel my body rejecting even the mere thought of trying to feel how it feels just to remind myself how painful it is.

I feel this weird sense of paranoia and anxiety to just pull everyone a little closer to me and hope i won't drop even a single person.

I just really hope that we're all not taking safety for granted, and are consciously trying to take care of ourselves.

I hope everyone out there is trying their best.

It's a little early and a little late, but i hope you're doing well.

Please be okay.

I don't want to lose you yet.

Joy