7,200 ;

In 7,200 minutes (rounding off okay), i'm turning 22.

As always, the first 19 days of the year always seems to come by so quickly.

I know everyone always wishes for their birthdays to come soon so they get a reason to celebrate, but sometimes, as someone who's born so early in the year, i kinda dread it.

I'm not even settled into the new year and suddenly i'm a year older.

I haven't gotten used to writing 2019 on my papers yet, and i still kinda want to write 2018 out of habit, but then i now have to also remember to +1 to my age.

:')

It's all a zoomie to me, and while i get a little more excited as usual every year, deep down i kinda dread getting older.

I don't want to feel like i have more responsibilities to shoulder as i grow another year older when i'm not even done accomplishing what i've had on these small shoulders for the past few years.

There are so many things i want to accomplish and sometimes i just feel a tiny bit overwhelmed by the fact that i'll always have more to finish than what i've finished.

It gets demoralising yknow.

But in the end, time stops for no man as always and it always runs faster than me.

All i guess i'm hoping for in the end is to be able to catch up to it someday.

I just want to really sit down and relax occasionally knowing that i'm slightly ahead of it and i can just afford to chill.

I don't think i can relax anytime soon, and i don't think the time to give up is anywhere near, but i'm honestly very excited for the year.

It took some time, and alot of failed new year resolutions to know that, it never really worked for me, so i think i'm just going to aim for a slightly more reasonable one?

This year i only have 3.

1. Take better care of myself (physically, aesthetically, mentally)

     - by physical i mean working out to be healthy, keeping fit and having myself in shape.

     - aesthetic really means a better upkeep of my appearance. I've been slacking off how i look for the longest time because i was never really bothered with it (plus it took money to be able to constantly keep up). Now that i'm seeing the true importance, i really just want to take better care of my skin before i regret it even more. :')

     - mental health is by far the most concerning for me. I've been through many ups and downs and at the end of last year i've had the worst mental breakdown in my 21 years of living that had many of my close friends and family telling me to visit a counsellor or professional to seek help. To be honest, i've always kind of suspected myself to be kinda weird. Probably not a full-blown mental illness/disorder, but maybe the tendency to be more anxious or jittery. That's something i've always tried to avoid believing because i don't want to let myself think it's okay to be like that. Even though i really should just embrace how i am.

2. Be more financially stable.

     - This i think, is more of a long-term goal this year ? Since i am officially graduating soon, i think it's high time for me to start planning my finance better and also to pick up all my loose ends from the past few years of "living it up". I've really been slacking off this because i keep thinking to myself that there'll always be another time to regain all my losses. But now that i'm (kinda) jobless after having worked my entire way since 16, it's kinda hard to spend less when i'm so used to the freedom of spending month after month, knowing i'll always have next month's pay. Just because i've quit all my part-time jobs in hopes of getting a scholarship, i think it's also showing me how precious the $300-$400 i made per month in the past really was. I hope to see my finance as increasingly important, and i hope i will always remember how it feels like to be in a pinch financially so i will always work towards avoiding and possibly NEVER being like this again. 

3. Spending time with people i love more.

    - The past few years i've kinda been hooked on my phone and laptop too often, connecting with people over wireless networks. So much so, that i've lost touch on how to connect with people in real life. I've become socially withdrawn (perhaps also partially due to lots of nasty experiences with people that hurt me constantly), and also awkward with these people. The past me would be ashamed to know that her outgoing, cheerful self will be soon shadowed by a turtle who refuses to get out of the shell and just stays in her comfort zone knowing it's safe. I really hope that i will be able to step up once again to the people whom i've neglected over the past 2 years and reconnect with them so i know how it feels like to be alive and away from my phone again. Of course, i don't think i'll ever stop being hooked on technology, but i hope to reduce this time and just try to reach out to people one more time and just be liberated from this loneliness i feel constantly facing this screen. 

While i now face new challenges that the past me would have never imagined, i've also overcame some troubles the past me would never have been able to.

I've let go of toxic friendships, forgave myself countless times for being stupid, letting myself breakdown more freely just to remind myself i'm only human, and i think i've finally learnt the art of being more appreciative of things around me.

I really, really hope that i'll continue to grow more in 2019, and journal everything i could possibly experience in words so that i'll never forget.

In the past 2 years, i've been neglecting this space in general.

I haven't found blogging fun anymore, but i think in the present, this blog has been liberating to have.

The feeling of chatting with people, or just sharing my thoughts to a space with faceless, nameless people that just appear on the viewcount as a number is weirdly comforting.

I don't know everyone, but neither could everyone know me.

The best part of it all is that, even if you knew me, i wouldn't know anyway and this is my space to just talk as freely as i deem fit.

I think, it's nice.

I really want to just, be a better person in 2019, and i hope i will be able to do so.

Let's continue growing together my friends !!

Hopefully by the end of this journey in 2019, you'll realise that you weren't alone.

Joy