Epiphany ;

I think by now it's not really a secret that i'm a fan of BTS, considering i've spent my birthday with them.
But sometimes when i listen to their songs/words, i really feel like there's alot of things we don't see.

The times they struggle and all, i think it's their form of difficult to live too.

I always thought of others' lives as better than mine and i have to admit, i'm always jealous.

I always want more.

I just want more in life.

I crave better things.

I desire a better life. 

Perhaps an easier one.

An then it hits me once again tonight, that everyone has their own struggles, i'm just not looking deep enough.

At this point in time, i just want to really figure out what i truly want from my life.

Is it the applause in the end?

A golden coffin?

A big house with no one to invite over?

A shit ton of friends whom i can't seem to remember why we are friends?

A close bunch that keeps me grounded?

A boring desk job to help me get by?

A risky job i'm not willing to take?

I don't know.

I have so many conflicting interests, i'm torn.

In 2019 i hope i can finally find peace in myself and find solace in this life i have.

I hope i can finally appreciate the little things i have, and just be happy where i am.

I don't ever want to stop craving for more, because i think that's what pushes me to work, to wake up every morning and face the same struggle.

But i hope i will finally find enough motivation and determination to move towards what i crave.

I hope i'll stop being afraid. 

Afraid of all the consequences that could possibly come in the end.

I just want to live while i'm young, and to plan everything at the same time.

I'm a paradox, i hate it, and yet i want to learn how to love it.

I don't know if anyone out there will ever relate to how i feel really.

It's such a confusing person to be.

My mind is always everywhere and my body is just tired from working towards too many goals at once.

In the end, i think all i really seek is happiness and confidence to be myself.

This year i hope it'll be a year of welcomed changes.

If you're like me, so deathly afraid of the future, yet bursting with excitement for this unknown time to befall upon us, i hope you know you're not alone, and that you'll always be welcome to share your journey with me. (the comment section is always there for a reason)

In a sense, knowing someone feels the way i do, makes me feel like i'm not alone on this too, and it would probably make me feel good to talk to people again.

Like i've last mentioned, i forgot how to talk to people, and i think i'm slowly learning to appreciate the people who've always held me close even when i inched away slowly to find myself in a place no one knows.

I'm just so grateful right now.

I don't know better ways to put my feelings into words.

Thank you for reading my posts as usual.

image from: werenotreallystrangers on instagram

their instagram really invoked alot of thoughts and emotions in me and i've never felt a larger need to just be with someone.

Joy