Cloudy Weathers ;

Have you ever had to deal with this grappling fear that your future is just suddenly unclear? 

Foggy?

Because i'm experiencing that now.

Perhaps it's a little late for my quarter-life crisis when i'm nearing the end of my 25 years of being alive.

Close friends of mine would know that i'm someone who has always planned to settle down early.

And yet, somehow, the me today is dealing with this grappling uncertainty that i might live the rest of my life alone.

Perhaps it is less scary, to think about all the adventuring i could do without a partner to hinder me, or to cater to.

But at the same time, it is also more scary, that i have to adventure all by myself when i've always planned to go to these places with a companion.

Perhaps, it could be comforting, to realise companionship doesn't always stand for a partner.

At the same time, it is also unsettling, to realise that a companion whom is not a partner will always have others before you. They will prioritise others. And your adventure buddy will be ever-changing.

I dislike change.

I dislike being independent.

I dislike having to take care of myself.

I know that sounds ridiculous as an adult - we all need to take care of ourselves, be responsible for ourselves.

And i am.

I already am.

But i don't think that just because i am, means i want to do that.

Right? 

I don't think that's correlational, although a relationship between the two exists.

This sudden, grappling fear came about after a few talks with my mum.

Whom has given up on my relationship status after a few serious, failed relationships.

In hindsight, maybe i am the one who has given up on my own relationship status after a few serious, failed relationships.

At this point, i fear i'll never learn what was my problem.

And i'm afraid that i'll never find someone who can work together with me to build a future.

There's plenty of fish in the ocean, but what if i never like any of them?

OR, the more likely possibility of, what if the ones i like never like me back? 

What's going to happen then?

Unlike some who might make the choice to be alone, i'm afraid i don't have the courage to choose to be alone.

(also, i hate being alone wtf)

That being said, my friends have been very kind to not leave me unattended for too long though.

(bless y'all)

This is all a sudden, unexpected (?) hit that came blindsided.

I was quite satisfied and contented lately, that i forgot how much i loved being around someone else.

And i fear i'll always be satisfied with being alone.

Though unlikely, but it is undeniable that i'm completely too exhausted and burnt out to fathom the talking phase with multiple guys before finding "the one".

Perhaps, that is one of my many problems that i have not had the chance to reflect upon.

In consideration of time though, i shall reflect on these happiness-threatening questions at a better timing.

Like. When i'm not about to sleep.

And when i don't feel like i'm having an existential crisis.

In other news, i hope you're doing better than i am.

I hope you're not going through a life crisis that needs too much thinking.

I hope you're recovering well from what life throws at you.

I hope you're surrounded by kind, loving people.

I hope you're well-cared for.

I hope you're happy.

I have been surviving on some days.

And other days, i've never felt more alive.

Maybe just not today, and that's okay.

We're all not okay on some days.

Today is one of my days. 

Better days are coming.

I wish the same for you always.

Have a good rest. 

Joy