Foiled Plans ;

I have come to truly realize how much i am lacking as a person and it scares me to know that i'll never be enough for myself. 

I guess i'm quite used to being a disappointment to the people around me, especially the people closest to me. 

My family, etc.

Even if i actually tried, the results never show and it just looks like i'm bullshitting.

So i believe there was a period of time where i truly stopped trying.

"What's the point of trying if they're just going to point their fingers and call you a loser anyway?"

"You're meant to be exactly what they see you as."

I believe there was a time where i actually let these words ring in my mind.

And i don't think i've ever been able to cleanly shake these words out of my head.

They occasionally come back to haunt me, bring my insecurities back, just for the sake of it. 

Other times like today, it's just because i believe myself to be exactly that - a disappointment.

Trust me when i say there are many things that i screw up, and they are limitless. 

No matter how big or small, how important or insignificant. 

And there are days where i feel like the most unlucky person, that the world just seems to always work against me. 

That i just always seem to be in the opposite direction of the flow.

That i'm always the one who seems to be suffering.

Now that i think about it, it was pretty selfish of me to think that way. 

But i guess my morals flew out the windows when i felt that way - like it was me against the world.

And i hate that i ever have to feel like it was just me against the world, when i try so hard to make sure no one ever feels that way. 

That they know i'll always be there for them.

So times like these i let myself doubt my significance. 

Like any sane being would. 

(I guess.)

And you know what i hate the most of this whole thing?

I know that by the end of this debate between my heart and my mind, i'd seal my heart in stone and swear to myself that i'll never let anyone trash my confidence and just screw everyone. I'll be selfish and just live my life the way i want to. No one is going to dictate me.

And then as soon as someone comes crying and knocking at my door, i'll just break everything down and open my arms to them and let this start all over again.

You have no idea how many times i've tried to just be like "Just live your damned life, they'll get by themselves. You got here alone too. They'll be fine.", and just trash that thought the moment i know someone needs me.

It kinda sucks to know that it's become an instinct. 

But hey, if you relate to this, just know you're not the only one.

I feel you too. 

And perhaps one day we'll grow to be individuals who do not peg their happiness on others' happiness and just be happy for ourselves. 

And perhaps one day the people around us won't label us as 'selfish' when we do so.

Joy

So if you need me, i'll just be here, ready to knock my walls down for you.