Human Scented ;
GOOD EVENING.
I really should be doing my work now cos i have assignments due tomorrow and also on Thursday but for now i want to get into the type-y mood and also zen mode.
In the background i have the sounds of rain (<-- click to go to the website) playing constantly and i swear it's the most therapeutic thing i can hear.
My POL-ITE competitions are finally over and i'm not really happy with what i got but i'm just thankful it is over for now.
It's been stressing me out endlessly and i really just want to relax a little for now.
I probably have had many injuries throughout the training period, strained muscles, sprained ankle and all.
But now that that is over, i have a new thing to think about:
DO I REALLY WANT TO SPAR ?
Actually, it's not that much of a question.
I really want to.
However, if i know that if i want to, my current mindset needs to go.
If you never knew, i'm someone who dwells in my mistakes and i let them define me (even as i know i have changed).
I hyperventilated on my first fight and i was so nervous i thought i was going to die.
I let the person intimidate me and i was so ashamed of myself.
I can (probably) say that will never happen again because i will only come back better. Stronger.
I believe i have what it takes to at least land a kick on someone, but i really need so much more courage to do what i want.
I never want anyone to look down on my club just because i am horrible at it.
And trust me, i know people who do.
It's quite saddening really.
When i first joined the club, it was the best thing that happened to me in my life.
I thought i finally found a place where i belong.
But as time passes and the powers that come into control change, a lot of people slowly start leaving.
In fact, the number of seniors in my year that stayed is really quite pathetic.
I almost forgot the way everyone who left looks, sounds, and everything.
I guess i'm sentimental ?
I hate people leaving. Or rather, i hate changes.
I realized it more as i grew older. I really hated changing.
It's a way of life, and change is the only constant, but i prefer the really subtle ones.
The ones that you'll never realized it happened until years later you look back and you're like "WOAH. WHEN DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN."
That's possibly the only kind of change i don't resist.
Because i don't realize it.
But for those that i do, i act so indifferent about it, people sometimes think i didn't notice it, but in reality, i'm fearing the day it will actually make an impact on my life.
I know it is going to change more than just the person himself/herself, and i was going to be affected.
So i avoid it.
I am not usually one to run away from things.
I like facing up to things i am scared of (obviously. Else i'd rather die than spar someone)
But this is something i wish i can run away from forever.
I never want someone to change so much i forget the way they were.
I love everyone around me for who they are as a person, but for those that i cannot constantly be around, i don't want to ever find myself thinking "who is this person in front of me" about them.
Maybe i just like knowing people at the back of my hands.
But i never seem to do so.
Starting to really wonder how well i know the people around me, because i really want to.
As much as the predictable person i am (i wear my heart on the sleeves and mean what i say or do, pinky swear), the people around me may not be the same.
One day, i will do just that, and when i do, i hope the person lets me keep them by my side forever and then the only changes we'll make are together.
Next on queue for blog posts: Photos. Lots of them.
Joy
I really should be doing my work now cos i have assignments due tomorrow and also on Thursday but for now i want to get into the type-y mood and also zen mode.
In the background i have the sounds of rain (<-- click to go to the website) playing constantly and i swear it's the most therapeutic thing i can hear.
My POL-ITE competitions are finally over and i'm not really happy with what i got but i'm just thankful it is over for now.
It's been stressing me out endlessly and i really just want to relax a little for now.
I probably have had many injuries throughout the training period, strained muscles, sprained ankle and all.
But now that that is over, i have a new thing to think about:
DO I REALLY WANT TO SPAR ?
Actually, it's not that much of a question.
I really want to.
However, if i know that if i want to, my current mindset needs to go.
If you never knew, i'm someone who dwells in my mistakes and i let them define me (even as i know i have changed).
I hyperventilated on my first fight and i was so nervous i thought i was going to die.
I let the person intimidate me and i was so ashamed of myself.
I can (probably) say that will never happen again because i will only come back better. Stronger.
I believe i have what it takes to at least land a kick on someone, but i really need so much more courage to do what i want.
I never want anyone to look down on my club just because i am horrible at it.
And trust me, i know people who do.
It's quite saddening really.
When i first joined the club, it was the best thing that happened to me in my life.
I thought i finally found a place where i belong.
But as time passes and the powers that come into control change, a lot of people slowly start leaving.
In fact, the number of seniors in my year that stayed is really quite pathetic.
I almost forgot the way everyone who left looks, sounds, and everything.
I guess i'm sentimental ?
I hate people leaving. Or rather, i hate changes.
I realized it more as i grew older. I really hated changing.
It's a way of life, and change is the only constant, but i prefer the really subtle ones.
The ones that you'll never realized it happened until years later you look back and you're like "WOAH. WHEN DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN."
That's possibly the only kind of change i don't resist.
Because i don't realize it.
But for those that i do, i act so indifferent about it, people sometimes think i didn't notice it, but in reality, i'm fearing the day it will actually make an impact on my life.
I know it is going to change more than just the person himself/herself, and i was going to be affected.
So i avoid it.
I am not usually one to run away from things.
I like facing up to things i am scared of (obviously. Else i'd rather die than spar someone)
But this is something i wish i can run away from forever.
I never want someone to change so much i forget the way they were.
I love everyone around me for who they are as a person, but for those that i cannot constantly be around, i don't want to ever find myself thinking "who is this person in front of me" about them.
Maybe i just like knowing people at the back of my hands.
But i never seem to do so.
Starting to really wonder how well i know the people around me, because i really want to.
As much as the predictable person i am (i wear my heart on the sleeves and mean what i say or do, pinky swear), the people around me may not be the same.
One day, i will do just that, and when i do, i hope the person lets me keep them by my side forever and then the only changes we'll make are together.
Next on queue for blog posts: Photos. Lots of them.
Joy
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