Game of Push-and-Pull ;
Hello all !
It hasn't been that long since i last blogged but i have the feels for it so i am here to pour my heart out again.
Somehow i feel like i don't belong anywhere.
Like, i have friends and i have people who know me well enough to predict my every reaction and expression, sometimes even down to my exact thoughts at the exact moment.
But these people are more often than not, so far away from me and they can't be with me everyday.
I know it's kind of stupid to say that i do not belong anywhere just because my close friends are far away from me, but it's just a feeling i get.
In my class, the 19 girls are always very closely tied together and we decide many things together and support each other no matter what.
But even in such a class, i do not find people whom i can be with always, and count on them to always be with me just because they all have their own closer groups of friends.
In my taekwondo club, the people i am close to are all in a clique, and i will never be of priority to them over the others.
They are not the people who will be down for me 24/7, and i may be expecting too much, but i guess that's what best friends do for each other right?
I think people all just have their own lives and sometimes i feel so so so insignificant i just don't want to think about how people will just move on in life even when i am not there.
It kind of sucks to know that i am not someone worthy of people's attention sometimes.
And as much as i am willing to be down for anyone, it kind of feels like no one is willing to return that favour.
Like, i know giving should not expect returns, but i hope that one day i will be appreciated.
Even if a little.
It's nice to know for a change that i matter to some people.
I will not say who, but this incident made me feel alot.
So i am very close to her during CCA and people all say she is very attached to me, but when our senior asked her who she was close with, she said no one.
She did not even mention my name at the thought of that.
And after that i really went back to reflect on myself, why am i not worthy of being that close to her.
Even though she often goes places with me.
:(
You know the feeling of never being good enough for someone?
Yeah i get that too much.
It almost makes me feel like i am just meant to be not enough.
For anyone.
I just don't know where i should go in school when i feel upset and horrid.
And i don't know who to find when i don't have anyone to eat with.
Somedays i think i am just not doing enough to try and know others more, but everytime i try they will just talk among themselves so i get left out anyway.
I think i am not meant to be very social but i try too hard to be social.
I hope this is not my limit.
Joy
It hasn't been that long since i last blogged but i have the feels for it so i am here to pour my heart out again.
Somehow i feel like i don't belong anywhere.
Like, i have friends and i have people who know me well enough to predict my every reaction and expression, sometimes even down to my exact thoughts at the exact moment.
But these people are more often than not, so far away from me and they can't be with me everyday.
I know it's kind of stupid to say that i do not belong anywhere just because my close friends are far away from me, but it's just a feeling i get.
In my class, the 19 girls are always very closely tied together and we decide many things together and support each other no matter what.
But even in such a class, i do not find people whom i can be with always, and count on them to always be with me just because they all have their own closer groups of friends.
In my taekwondo club, the people i am close to are all in a clique, and i will never be of priority to them over the others.
They are not the people who will be down for me 24/7, and i may be expecting too much, but i guess that's what best friends do for each other right?
I think people all just have their own lives and sometimes i feel so so so insignificant i just don't want to think about how people will just move on in life even when i am not there.
It kind of sucks to know that i am not someone worthy of people's attention sometimes.
And as much as i am willing to be down for anyone, it kind of feels like no one is willing to return that favour.
Like, i know giving should not expect returns, but i hope that one day i will be appreciated.
Even if a little.
It's nice to know for a change that i matter to some people.
I will not say who, but this incident made me feel alot.
So i am very close to her during CCA and people all say she is very attached to me, but when our senior asked her who she was close with, she said no one.
She did not even mention my name at the thought of that.
And after that i really went back to reflect on myself, why am i not worthy of being that close to her.
Even though she often goes places with me.
:(
You know the feeling of never being good enough for someone?
Yeah i get that too much.
It almost makes me feel like i am just meant to be not enough.
For anyone.
I just don't know where i should go in school when i feel upset and horrid.
And i don't know who to find when i don't have anyone to eat with.
Somedays i think i am just not doing enough to try and know others more, but everytime i try they will just talk among themselves so i get left out anyway.
I think i am not meant to be very social but i try too hard to be social.
I hope this is not my limit.
it would be so nice to have someone tell me "you belong here".
Joy
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