Change Is The Only Constant ;

Hello, it's me again.

It must be funny to read me greeting you everytime you pass by this space, but I guess you would be used to it by now.

Days have been such a drag lately.

4 months of 2023 just passed in a haze.

I have no idea what to put to them, and I don't know how to feel about it.

I quit a job i enjoyed, started a new job.

Cut off some ties, strengthened other ties.

Let go of some dreams, and created new ones.

I dislike change.

I don't feel extremely happy when people tell me "you've changed".

It means I stopped being happy at some point, and had to grow up again to make things easier/better.

I don't mean that i'm not proud of who I am, don't get me wrong.

I am proud I survived, and kept on going on despite all the hurdles that came my way.

I'm happy I made it here, even though I once thought I wouldn't.

I just wish it didn't have to be this hard.

In this life, I think my biggest wish would be to have a home I belong in, a space I created, love, and want to be in forever.

Somewhere that will be my shelther from this life's storms.

When I was young, I thought 'home' meant, a family. A partner, kids, a pet dog, a spacious home filled with memories of growing up together.

In my teens, I thought 'home' could be a person. A space between two arms, and a heart that is filled with me.

As an adult, I am still looking for somewhere to call home. At this point, it didn't matter, where, who, what, how. Just a home.

Somewhere to rest my body, mind, and soul.

Somewhere to feel safe with my emotions, where I can be as happy, crazy, sad, angry, emotional, or anxious as I deem fit.

Somewhere I can do whatever I want - just to feel better.

Somewhere to be me without having to make poor excuses for being me.

The change in my perception of things have become more and more glaring as I survive the blur of years that pass.

People from my past tell me I am different from when we met each other, be it in a few months, years, or more.

I know it's a good thing, but I'm so jealous of those who got to remain the same throughout all the years.

How loved they must be to be able to keep their pure mindset all those years.

How safe they must feel to be able to continue to be themselves without any concerns.

Oh, to be sheltered, pampered, and loved.

It must be a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

I dislike change.

I wish I never have to change.

I wish I never have to grow up.

I wish I never need to learn to pick up the pen, knife, sword to protect myself.

I wish I will never need to know how cruel the world is just to keep myself from harm.

I wish I will never have to understand that people can be bad too, and just because they say they love you, doesn't mean they really do.

But alas, the world isn't perfect.

And that's part of the beauty of it.

To find a treasure buried somewhere so deep, not everyone deserves it, or can find it.

Must be nice.

I hope you will never have to change just because the world made it so.

I hope you will remain untainted by the brutality of reality.

I hope you will always always ALWAYS be happy.

May we all find happiness in this mess.

And while we're looking and learning to love what we find, thank you for keeping me company on this journey.

Hopefully I am as much of a comfort to you as well.

Here's to more! :)

Joy