Canvas of Blue ;

Hello there.

Lately, things haven't been going as I planned.

It's been throwing me off my roads alot, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

Time is basically a perceived concept at this point in time, because I cannot believe it's already March.

In fact, the end of March.

It's been almost a quarter of the year already.

Times have been trying.

And I'm trying to get a grip on myself.

I can't hold my pieces together, but I'm really trying.

I think I'm doing what I can to make this easier for myself.

I've been talking to people around me more, I'm trying to hold on to people who can give me the support I need.

It's so weird, because on days where I'm more functional than this, I often tell myself it's okay to reach out to people, and it does not show weakness just because I need a good cry, or that I need someone with me today.

But on days where I'm just. Struggling.

I somehow get more and more sensitive. 

Suddenly I realise that everyone is struggling by themselves too.

And suddenly I feel like my problems aren't worth someone else's attention and time.

:")

I know, I know.

It's just the voice in my head.

Someone always has time for me.

I know.

But I haven't been able to convince myself otherwise.

I'm really trying okay.

But have y'all tried arguing with the voice in your head for months and months by yourself?

With no one to prove you wrong?

If you did, I'm sure you know what I mean when I say it's hard to reach out again.

Tonight I am reminded of these dreams I had.

1. I was out in the gentle sun, at a themepark, with a bestfriend I once had, and we were having alot of fun. We rode on all of the rides (even the lame ones), and then near the end of the day, we sat at those benches with tables, opposite each other, and I held on to their hand as I laid my head in their hands to sleep. I felt very comforted for the first time in a while.

2. I couldn't even remember this dream properly. But in the dream I knew I was very very very happy. I was with someone (I couldn't see who), but I was laughing my ass off. I had the kind of smile which made me look abit ugly but I was genuinely happy. It felt very warm. 

I was content with my life, and I was just. Happy. 

I didn't want to wake up from the dream.

Is it too weak? 

Of me, to admit that I like having someone around me always?

Is it too much?

To ask for someone who will want to build a home with me?

It must be.

But then again, it must be nice.

It must be good.

For good things never came easy.

And boy, it's tough. HAHA.

I feel like running away again.

Please know it is taking me alot of effort to stay here right now.

I hope you can understand I'm really trying.

I'm really trying to stay beside you all right now. :")

I really am.

I'm sorry I can't do more. :<

Maybe the day where I get better will come soon. 

Joy