Cry With You ;

 It's been some time since I've come back to this space.

Days haven't been easy since I stopped blogging, not that blogging made it easier, but I just didn't have anything good to document.

I wasn't sure how much of bad events I'd like to document, so I didn't have much to say.

In the blink of an eye, January and February of 2023 is over.

I feel so lost and unaccomplished, I don't see myself doing more than I was already doing last year, and it feels like another year of little to no growth.

And I was looking forward to growing so much this year too.

For once, after a long time, I found time and energy to invest in myself again, but I lost it in such a flash.

I feel like I'm missing something, but I'm not sure what it is.

I've been trying to be kinder to myself.

To give myself time to process my losses, my small wins, acknowledge my small progresses.

But it does not seem to be going well.

I booked my first ever counselling session.

It might be something that is weird to share, but things have been weighing down on me, and I no longer have anyone to go to for something like these, and it feels so... 

Lonely.

To have to constantly search within myself to find strength to love and take care of myself.

That's alot to ask from someone who has always struggled with that.

To be kind to myself sounds so...

Hard.

And it gets harder some days.

The guilt, the lack of explanation.

The knowing there doesn't need to be an explanation, but feeling bad if I don't explain.

The knowing that I should let go to feel happier, but also enjoying the comfort of holding on.

In 2023's first 2 months, I've learnt more about myself than I wanted to, and I don't know if I hate it yet.

But I've been trying.

I'm trying as much as I can.

I hope at least, you can see that this is the best I can do right now. 

I'm sorry I can't do more.

I really am.

But this is all I can muster.

I'm human, too.

I hope your days have been better than mine.

Joy