Paper Rings ;

 

It's been some time.

Recently there has been alot on my mind, and yet, at the same time, nothing at all.
I'm not sure how i'm really doing at this point.
Work has numbed me quite a fair bit to all the mess that is happening.

I have a strong feeling this is just the time of the month tings but also, it's been happening for way too long to be like that.
I can't be habitually a bij. .... Right?
I'm not so sure at this point.

I have, been tolerating the silent, suffocating nights for awhile though.
Don't get me wrong, i'm happy and content where i am.
But the need to get away from my reality is very strong, and i can never feel far away enough from work to feel genuinely at ease. 
Considering this is my first full time job, i'm not sure if this is how it feels to be stuck in a toxic work environment, or if this is just the extreme stress, or that i'm just not coping well and need rest.

Honestly speaking, there are ups and downs in every workplace, but of course, since i'm experiencing my current situation in a first person thing, i guess it does make it look alot worse than what i could be experiencing in other companies.
But of course, these are just because i have yet to experience other woes of working.

With time to come, i'm sure more problems and hurdles will come up.

But right now, with the pandemic situation and travel not being an option, i really hate that i put myself up for failure by planning so much into the future and saving more than half my salary every month.
That basically means i CAN NOT, and should NEVER quit my job without finding a new one.
And even then, i cannot remain unemployed for too long because i have too much financial commitments to be unpaid. 
:")

Although all of these will do me great things in the future, i am pretty sure i am suffering now.
Is this how everyone became millionaires? 
Do the hustle and go through the bustle in your minds? 

Because if the answer is yes, i will greatly reconsider my nonexisting dream to be a millionaire.

Correction: i don't want to be a millionaire. I just want enough to fund my expensive taste and aesthetics.

I think that has to be cleared up.
In case y'all think i'll one day become rich, you're wrong.
The money will all fund my unfinished dreams that i put on hold before i spent my days and nights working.

As a HR personnel, i work with so many fresh grads, and alot of the times, we're either similar age, or they're slightly older. 
When i was a fresh grad at least.
Now that i'm 2 years into my job (yes it's been 2 years. Time flies right? Just a few months back i was complaining about the job and boom it's 2 years already), the fresh grads are slowly starting to look younger and younger as i go. :")

Alot of these employees/candidates eventually end up being my friends, and we all seem to forget that i'm younger than them because we've stepped into the working society at the same time.
I let myself start early, but i never really thought work could be so mentally draining.
:")

With the COVID situation, even my room never fully feels like a safe space.
For my laptop will forever be seated on my desk, ready for work, ready to run, and i'm just here to keep things going. 
I kinda hate to admit it, but i've become slave to my work again.

I don't hate the income and financial freedom it brings me, but i do wish i had a better way of balancing everything.
More than that, i wish my form of escape aka travelling comes back into play as soon as possible. 

I hate being stuck here with my work laptop just constantly waiting for me.
*cries in workaholic*

At the same time, i'm also thankful that i'm stuck right where i am.
There's really no safer place other than home, and Singapore is truly one of the safest in this pandemic situation already.

BUT STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

It's so hard.
But it's hard for all of us right?

You're not alone on this.
Let's keep that in mind, and proceed to take the next step forward.

It's really hard, but i believe in you.

I hope we'll all make it to see the end of the pandemic, and then greet each other again, wherever we stand. 
I personally can't wait to see the world and all that it has to offer again.
I can't wait to finally escape the horrors of being easily contactable, constantly near work, and to be just free from these worries for a while longer.

I can't wait to feel free again.

Whatever you're looking forward to, let's keep hoping.
Let's keep the faith.

I'll see you at the finishing line!

Stay healthy, stay strong, wear your masks, and stay safe!

I love you!

Joy