Don't Wanna Love You Anymore ;

In today's episode of late night thoughts:

S A F E

I don't know about you, but i've been a pretty insecure teen.

I was a freaking secure kid - no worries or qualms about my body, abilities and everything about me.

I loved everything about me - my crazy reddish hair, small frame, boundless appetite, character, friends - i was comfortable in my skin.

Secondary school and puberty hit, along with waves of strong self-awareness lots of insecurities coupled with endless comparisons to others. 

It wasn't hard to see how i grew to be insecure and super uncomfortable in my skin.

I just wanted to rip off my skin sometimes.

I still do feel that way.

Just less often now. :")

There has been so many times in this lifetime where i just want to hide in a corner and never talk to anyone again.

I don't want to be anywhere because i didn't feel safe everywhere.

I just wanted to be by myself.

But i didn't feel safe by myself either.

It was a weird contradiction.

I kept searching for places where i belong.

I just want to yknow, feel like i belong somewhere.

I just want to feel safe.

I want to feel like things are okay and people are not as horrible as i believed them to be.

It was hard though.

I guess in a way, expectations led to disappointment.

Trust led to betrayal.

Maybe if i had expected nothing, and never trusted anyone as much as i did, i would have felt less... Betrayed and abandoned ?

Maybe i should start putting up those "hiring" or "looking for" posters like how people do for houses, positions, whatever.

I should start putting these posters up for someone/somewhere:

- i will be showered with attention, concern, love

- pampered and allowed to pamper you stupid in return

- i can be myself without being too much for anyone

- love is free and i can give as much as i deem fit; where i can take as much as i need to get by

- i am heard

- i am well-fed

There are lots of possibilities and the highest being a weirdo will apply for these HAHA.

I want to be held and told that things will be okay.

I want to be pat on my head and a shoulder to cry on when things get really hard.

I want just one person in this entire world where people are too busy to notice things. 

I just want one person to see me and all that i do in its entirety and tell me i did well, i tried hard enough, that it's okay to let go because i did what i could.

I just want to be okay. :")

Am i too selfish for needing this?

I promise i am capable of returning your love. 101% + GST for you too.

I want to feel safe.

I want to feel like things are not falling apart.

Even for a moment.

If i am allowed to just exist beside you, i just want to busk in the companionship of you.

Just let me feel happy and recharge, like a phone with the charger. 

I just need abit more strength to pull through the days.

I know i can do it alone, but it's so hard.

Can i have you to walk through this not-so-lovely meadow with me ?

:")

Life is tough!

And in the end, i have grown to accept that humans are meant to be alone - we die in a coffin alone eventually anyway.

Who would know us better than we know ourselves.

We just need someone to put our feelings that even we can't comprehend into words, just a hand to squeeze when we're afraid but too prideful to admit, just a person to sit beside and be comfortable in silence with so we learn to appreciate life and its small wonders together.

We'll all be okay by ourselves hue.

You'll be okay too.

Joy will need to start dating herself out and make sure Joy is treated well, just like she believes she deserves. She will be okay, she just needs some time and a lil fixing.

My belief is strong - i will pull through.

I will survive.

I will be okay, and i will fight through all these.

I will fight for myself, i will fight for you, and everything in between.

I will fight for us, i will fight for them.

I will do it all.

I will live this life without regrets. As much as possible.

It's the last 2 months of 2019.

I'll make it through.

We'll meet another milestone together again.

We'll be okay.

I got you.

You'll be okay.

Joy