Premonition ;
I haven't really thought about any goals for the year yknow.
I think up some as i move along the year.
As of now, i only have 2 ?
1. make more friends, keep more friends close.
And the other one is what i want to talk about this post.
Don't mind me, i'm just going to ramble on, so you can leave.
As a Psychology Major surrounded by plenty of people with various personalities and pasts, it's extremely interesting to analyse everything and everyone slowly but surely.
It has come to a point where i try to understand why people hurt me, or why people are so defensive of themselves because of their past and personality.
It's basically a torture sometimes because it's always that much easier to blame others for it.
But here i am, denying myself of that little leeway i have and now i only have alot of headaches when i feel upset.
:')
People these days are slowly losing the humane touch we have in us, because we all have seen the dark side of many, and it's just absolutely terrifying to know that it could happen to us.
Cheating lover, death of someone dear, runaways, backstabbers, liars, etc etc.
All these unnecessary pain that no one deserves, and yet the stories of them are endless.
Catfishers, rude people, bullies, friends with scars that are self-inflicted, a broken heart.
All these people that could have just been a little nicer.
And yet, what we don't see is that someone probably hurt them so much, their concept of love and people are so warped.
They only can do these to protect what's left of their fragile mind.
I know.
I shouldn't side these people, and i sure as hell don't condone their actions.
But it's not also right if we assume they are just evil right ?
They could have just been hurt.
And no one saved them like how someone saved us.
That's all i'm saying.
How do we start conversations these days ?
I seriously kind of forgot how to talk to people properly.
I haven't bothered trying to talk to new people in a long time.
I tried to figure out why, and i realised that i'm just comfortable - i stopped yearning more.
I stopped asking how people's days were.
I stopped caring like how i used to.
I stopped initiating lame ass outings.
I stopped going out.
I started enjoying being alone.
I started getting used to being alone.
I started like holing up in my blankets on my bed doing absolutely nothing, leaving this world unexplored.
I started being okay without being curious.
And that's not okay.
I mean, for me.
That should never have been okay.
I should have done so much more and explored while i could but instead i wasted days at home not doing anything and just drowning in my own thoughts and emotions.
I let myself die a little instead of going out and asking to be saved - and i blamed it on people who were unaware i was dying for my death.
It was.... brutal to say the least.
To these people who loved me and yet i got angry at them for nothing.
I was a lil shit to be honest.
(Forgive me, i'm reflecting now!)
I forgot to ask the most important "how are you"s, "are you okay"s, and "wanna go out"s.
I missed all the time people could have given me all because i was too afraid to take a damn chance and i hate it so much.
That brings me back to my second goal.
I'm trying to make myself feel okay with being myself.
To be this hateful, yet loved.
To be underappreciated, yet grateful.
People could be either feeling the left emotion, or the right emotion towards me, and i want to be okay with that, as long as i'm happy.
As long as i'm okay.
2. So i want to be able to truly mean it when i say "i'm okay" to people when they ask me if i'm okay.
That's my goal for 2019.
That's my 2 goals so far.
Screw the physical fitness and happiness.
My mind needs a little bit of cleaning up, and my heart needs a little emptying.
I need to be a little more okay.
And i will be.
Joy
I think up some as i move along the year.
As of now, i only have 2 ?
1. make more friends, keep more friends close.
And the other one is what i want to talk about this post.
Don't mind me, i'm just going to ramble on, so you can leave.
As a Psychology Major surrounded by plenty of people with various personalities and pasts, it's extremely interesting to analyse everything and everyone slowly but surely.
It has come to a point where i try to understand why people hurt me, or why people are so defensive of themselves because of their past and personality.
It's basically a torture sometimes because it's always that much easier to blame others for it.
But here i am, denying myself of that little leeway i have and now i only have alot of headaches when i feel upset.
:')
People these days are slowly losing the humane touch we have in us, because we all have seen the dark side of many, and it's just absolutely terrifying to know that it could happen to us.
Cheating lover, death of someone dear, runaways, backstabbers, liars, etc etc.
All these unnecessary pain that no one deserves, and yet the stories of them are endless.
Catfishers, rude people, bullies, friends with scars that are self-inflicted, a broken heart.
All these people that could have just been a little nicer.
And yet, what we don't see is that someone probably hurt them so much, their concept of love and people are so warped.
They only can do these to protect what's left of their fragile mind.
I know.
I shouldn't side these people, and i sure as hell don't condone their actions.
But it's not also right if we assume they are just evil right ?
They could have just been hurt.
And no one saved them like how someone saved us.
That's all i'm saying.
How do we start conversations these days ?
I seriously kind of forgot how to talk to people properly.
I haven't bothered trying to talk to new people in a long time.
I tried to figure out why, and i realised that i'm just comfortable - i stopped yearning more.
I stopped asking how people's days were.
I stopped caring like how i used to.
I stopped initiating lame ass outings.
I stopped going out.
I started enjoying being alone.
I started getting used to being alone.
I started like holing up in my blankets on my bed doing absolutely nothing, leaving this world unexplored.
I started being okay without being curious.
And that's not okay.
I mean, for me.
That should never have been okay.
I should have done so much more and explored while i could but instead i wasted days at home not doing anything and just drowning in my own thoughts and emotions.
I let myself die a little instead of going out and asking to be saved - and i blamed it on people who were unaware i was dying for my death.
It was.... brutal to say the least.
To these people who loved me and yet i got angry at them for nothing.
I was a lil shit to be honest.
(Forgive me, i'm reflecting now!)
I forgot to ask the most important "how are you"s, "are you okay"s, and "wanna go out"s.
I missed all the time people could have given me all because i was too afraid to take a damn chance and i hate it so much.
That brings me back to my second goal.
I'm trying to make myself feel okay with being myself.
To be this hateful, yet loved.
To be underappreciated, yet grateful.
People could be either feeling the left emotion, or the right emotion towards me, and i want to be okay with that, as long as i'm happy.
As long as i'm okay.
2. So i want to be able to truly mean it when i say "i'm okay" to people when they ask me if i'm okay.
That's my goal for 2019.
That's my 2 goals so far.
Screw the physical fitness and happiness.
My mind needs a little bit of cleaning up, and my heart needs a little emptying.
I need to be a little more okay.
And i will be.
I hope you will be too.
Image Source: @werenotreallystrangers
Joy
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