Practicing for Future Storms ;

It's a funny story to tell.

In the past, i'd always cower below my blankets when the lightning stuck and thunders rolled. 

I hated them even more than the darkness that envelopes my room in the night.

They always somehow give me nightmares and it sucks.

Before i "grew up to be a big girl", my mum would occasionally pet me to sleep and soothe me so i sleep easier. 

Fast forward a few years, we moved houses, and grew up a little more.

We changed our old wooden bed frames for new colourful metal ones.

My sister and i share rooms still.

The room is still small but it's now "mine".

Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night drenched in cold sweat no matter how cold the damned room is, i'll feel myself sweating.

Sometimes it's raining, other times it's not.

But the routine was the same as the past and it never changes.

I just hold my bolster closer to me and wrap my blankets around me a little tighter and try to go back to sleep by myself.

Sometimes i dive right back into my nightmare that i can't seem to wake up from, other times i become too tired to even dream.

I guess what i'm saying is, i'm not sure if i was raised to be independent or dependent.

They allowed me independence to face my fears and deal with my own nightmares, but i'm supposed to be dependent on my parents still for my life decisions. 

They tell me i shouldn't commit so easily to anything, and i should consult them because they have more life experiences than i do, and they have a large circle of friends who can probably relate to me one way or another.

I'm unsure if that is the case but i listen anyway.

I ask anyway.

I do anyway.

Times like these, mundane moments where they seek conversations with me as i try to reside in my safe place or dive into an online world where no one has to know what i really do or feel, i'm unsure how i should react to them.

Should i be welcoming as i was 10, 15 years ago ?

When i knew nothing of what they'd do to me ?

Should i remain cool and chic because that's how they'd like me to be as a person towards everyone i know so they won't take advantage of me and i can protect myself better ?

I don't know if they're looking for an independent or dependent child.

I'm just trying to be the best person i can possibly be for myself.

Not for anyone else.

On this topic, it makes me consider if i'd rather raise an independent child and ask them to depend on my occasionally too, or raise a dependent child then teach them how to be independent.

I don't know what kind of child i'd hope for 10 years down the road.

I'm just hoping i'll become a figure that they trust and respect as they grow up.

Someone they can tell everything to without worrying about being judged or disliked or punished for just being themselves.

Now disclaimer right here, i'm not saying my parents do that to me, i'm just saying what i want to be for my child ok.

HAHAHAHA.

I think i've been blessed enough in this life.

The rest of the blessings i seek, i think i'll just have to work for it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is usually the kind of things that run through my head, and even though i may sound generally positive in real life, i hope no one thinks it's all smooth-sailing for me.

Don't aim to lead a smooth-sailing life, because if life was laid out for us in a straight line, it wouldn't be half as exciting and fulfilling as it is.

I just hope that you're all out there, being yourselves, and finding people who love you for everything that you are.

It doesn't matter who, but i know someone eventually will come to appreciate you and make you happy.

You just have to wait for it.

In the meantime, let's keep hustlin' !!

Joy