Empty Promises ;

In the flash of an eye, i'm turning 21 tomorrow.
While it has been an eventful 2017, i'm seriously hoping 2018 will be kinder to me and make my life easier albeit just a little.

As my tradition every year since idk when, i will reintroduce myself for 2018.

Honestly this is not a very nice photo of me but i started to realise how little i take photos of myself anymore (which explains why my instagram is always dead).

I'm Joy, i turn 21 tomorrow yayyyyyyyy.
I graduated Ngee Ann in May 2017 with a Diploma in Child Psychology and Early Education.
So technically i'm certified to handle all your kids okay don't judge me.

Even though i do stupid things like this.

Irregardless, i cannot deny i love children and their tiny little hands and habits and all.

They're one of the greatest passions in my life.

I love seeing children grow into their fullest potential.

And yet, as an Undergraduate of Murdoch University (Kaplan Singapore), i'm taking a Bachelor in Psychology as well as Human Resource Management. 

Yep, nothing to do with children at all.

I weighed the pros and cons of being a teacher and decided that i should try my luck in fulfilling my childhood dream of being a psychologist.

Not necessarily a psychiatrist per say, but it is close enough a dream !!!

And of course, if life would allow me to, i'd deviate back to playing with children and all.

But for now, i'm hoping to study towards a scholarship that will allow me to complete a Master degree in Psychology.

If all else fails, i'll just work as a HR Manager then :'). 

HAHAHAHA.

Life.

I've been attached for 8 months now ? (8 months on the 23rd)

And i can't say it's been easy, but it's been more than worth it.

While the start was a messy situation, but i'm just glad things all worked out and we're happy now.

I'm someone who is pretty anxious by nature and i'm insecure with myself and everything else around me.

I choose to see the best in others but never in myself.

I love to love everyone except me.

I complain alot about things that are unfair but in a way i let them happen to me because i was not cautious enough, especially with people.

I know kind people will always be on the losing end because it's a cutthroat world:

You either use, or be used.

While i feel like i'm often used, but i feel happy when i make others happy.

By basing my happiness on others' happiness though, made me a very sad and dependent person.

Eventually when people no longer had a use for me and leave i wonder if it was because i'm not enough and doubted my entire existence as though i should have done more to make the person willing to stay.

The past year has opened my eyes to the cruel realities of the world and i'm trying to work towards being someone who is comfortable in her own skin and doesn't need others to be happy for me to be happy.

While that is alot of work and insecurities still hit me from time to time, i'm appreciative of the people around me who constantly give me assurance and listen to my mental breakdowns.

Especially my boyfriend who nags and scolds me for my stupidity but i know he cares HAHAH.

Honestly alot of these changes occurred because i finally feel secure enough to speak about myself and listen to things that i want to do.

I finally understand why people call me selfish in the past, just because i wasn't doing something they wanted me to do.

It's because they're selfish and not me.

That's how i should have seen them, and yet i chose to forgive them time and again, giving in to their nonsensical whims even at my own expense.

So in 2018, i'm hoping to cut out more of such toxic friends, if not motivate them to change for the better together.

Of course, i'd never want to lose the last bit of faith i have in humanity and i will never choose to stoop to the lowest by calling people out for going through a learning process that everyone would, and i'd still choose to believe that there's a streak of good in everyone no matter how bad you may seem.

But, i've decided to let things go when mistakes are repeated and i'm hurt time and again.

Giving up is no longer something the weak do, but something the strong do in this situation.

I hope to be strong enough to leave such people behind and move on with my life so nobody can stop me from achieving my goals.

Afterall, we're all just trying to make a living for ourselves.

If you don't want to live for yourself, then nobody else will.

While i try to be the one whom everyone can depend on for emotional, mental and physical support, i guess the past few years of trying so hard to fit into everyone's molds has taken a toll on me and i'm emotionally and mentally tired. 

This year would be a good year to start clearing my mind and space for the better things ahead.

Thank you to the ones who have stayed, and to the ones who have left.

All of you have taught me something i would never have learnt without you, whether it is good or bad.

I may not have been the best in everyone of you, but i hope to one day prove my worth to you.

And to the special few, i'm really darn blessed to have you all stick around me even if i'm full of flaws, a really bad friend who doesn't contact y'all enough, or someone who thinks too much of sleep instead of going out now.

HAHAHA.

Here's wishing your 2018 to be even better than what you thought it'd be.

Joy