A Muse ;
Wow, it's been 2 months since i've last blogged.
Ok, so i guess my first thing should be an apology.
My laptop broke down (i probably mentioned it somewhere right?) and i didn't really bother replacing it since i was going to graduate soon.
Might as well find a better laptop hehe.
Anyway, as of now, i'm officially waiting for my graduation which is in around 3 weeks!
But my university applications... Not very successful i guess?
Oh well.
Might take a gap year in that case then.
Sigh.
Wish i was more gifted in studying tbh.
But anyway, alot of things have happened as of late and my life is in a stormy situation.
Not really due to other people (like it used to be), but more of myself.
...
In all honesty, it would have been easier if this was about someone else and not me.
I just find it so hard to evaluate my every move.
I don't want to sound like i'm a defensive asshole who doesn't admit her mistakes because trust me, i know i have a lot of flaws and i kinda take note of them more than i'd like to.
I just don't want to constantly doubt myself, then overthink everyone else's words or comments.
Then eventually retreat back into the shell of safety that i can cover myself with, and never come out of there again.
Or to keep thinking that i'll never be good enough.
Or that i'm just not enough.
I don't know how the wires in my brain are connected, but somehow it'll always be my fault when something goes wrong.
Well, if i really did something wrong then it's not so bad.
I mean, i would know i did wrong and just not do it again right ?
But when it comes to people....
It just sounds like a completely different issue.
I work in the service industry, and i look like an extrovert.
I talk pretty okay and i have an average or just slightly bigger social circle.
I have many hobbies and i relate to people okay.
You'd think i won't have that much of an issue dealing with people or making friends.
Eh... If it's going to be of any comfort to you, then i'll tell you.
Even if i do all that, i still have problems.
So to everyone who thinks they're shit at this game, don't worry man, you're not alone HAHAHAHA.
I try my best for the people that i am constantly surrounded with.
Be it teachers, students, kids, parents, sister, colleagues, friends, boyfriend, whoever.
But somehow people always get upset at me ?
I don't know.
While some people say i'm giving them too much attention, so when i take that attention and companionship away, suddenly i'm a heartless and cruel friend.
Like, how do i find a balance between all that i do ?
It's been 20 years, and i'm still figuring out...
If you people ever know anything, please let me know. :')
How do i give people attention, yet not be too 'attentive' to everything they do ?
How do i support people 'half-assed' ? (kinda out-of-place for that word, but that's kinda what i'm 'supposed' to do right HAHA?)
I wish i was less dense.
I wish for alot of things, like better days, happiness for everyone, better grades and all that crap,
But on bad enough days,
I just wished i didn't exist.
Or that i wasn't me.
Joy
Ok, so i guess my first thing should be an apology.
My laptop broke down (i probably mentioned it somewhere right?) and i didn't really bother replacing it since i was going to graduate soon.
Might as well find a better laptop hehe.
Anyway, as of now, i'm officially waiting for my graduation which is in around 3 weeks!
But my university applications... Not very successful i guess?
Oh well.
Might take a gap year in that case then.
Sigh.
Wish i was more gifted in studying tbh.
But anyway, alot of things have happened as of late and my life is in a stormy situation.
Not really due to other people (like it used to be), but more of myself.
...
In all honesty, it would have been easier if this was about someone else and not me.
I just find it so hard to evaluate my every move.
I don't want to sound like i'm a defensive asshole who doesn't admit her mistakes because trust me, i know i have a lot of flaws and i kinda take note of them more than i'd like to.
I just don't want to constantly doubt myself, then overthink everyone else's words or comments.
Then eventually retreat back into the shell of safety that i can cover myself with, and never come out of there again.
Or to keep thinking that i'll never be good enough.
Or that i'm just not enough.
I don't know how the wires in my brain are connected, but somehow it'll always be my fault when something goes wrong.
Well, if i really did something wrong then it's not so bad.
I mean, i would know i did wrong and just not do it again right ?
But when it comes to people....
It just sounds like a completely different issue.
I work in the service industry, and i look like an extrovert.
I talk pretty okay and i have an average or just slightly bigger social circle.
I have many hobbies and i relate to people okay.
You'd think i won't have that much of an issue dealing with people or making friends.
Eh... If it's going to be of any comfort to you, then i'll tell you.
Even if i do all that, i still have problems.
So to everyone who thinks they're shit at this game, don't worry man, you're not alone HAHAHAHA.
I try my best for the people that i am constantly surrounded with.
Be it teachers, students, kids, parents, sister, colleagues, friends, boyfriend, whoever.
But somehow people always get upset at me ?
I don't know.
While some people say i'm giving them too much attention, so when i take that attention and companionship away, suddenly i'm a heartless and cruel friend.
Like, how do i find a balance between all that i do ?
It's been 20 years, and i'm still figuring out...
If you people ever know anything, please let me know. :')
How do i give people attention, yet not be too 'attentive' to everything they do ?
How do i support people 'half-assed' ? (kinda out-of-place for that word, but that's kinda what i'm 'supposed' to do right HAHA?)
I wish i was less dense.
I wish for alot of things, like better days, happiness for everyone, better grades and all that crap,
But on bad enough days,
I just wished i didn't exist.
Or that i wasn't me.
Joy
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